


Free to Be Bert and Ernie

by LieutenantSaavik, oscarisaac



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Episode: s05e03 Free to Be You and Me, Humor, Idiots to Idiots, M/M, first time kind of. it's very unsexy, that's right we do NOT want horny people to have a good time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:41:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29442042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LieutenantSaavik/pseuds/LieutenantSaavik, https://archiveofourown.org/users/oscarisaac/pseuds/oscarisaac
Summary: It’s just sucking a dick! Women suck dicks all the time! It isn’t GAY. He made a promise to his friend, and, what, is he gonna chicken out now?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 19
Kudos: 121





	Free to Be Bert and Ernie

**Author's Note:**

> one of us has seen several seasons of spn and one of us has seen only one (1) episode. that didn't stop us from making this. we're the romeo and juliet of our generation

"One: Bert and Ernie are gay," Dean says firmly, with the bedrock authority of all goddamn common sense he’s got. He believes that more than he believes in heaven and hell combined. "Two,” and this is the really important bit, “You're not gonna die a virgin. Not on my watch."

And then Cas, Castiel, Cas-Of-God, angel of the Freakin’ Lord and, more significantly, Cas, Valid Paying Customer, gets kicked out of a brothel. 

Who the hell gets kicked out of a BROTHEL? Like, really, who is so abysmal at having even a modicum of Basic Sex Appeal that they can’t get laid by a person they are _literally paying to lay them_? It’s side-splittingly hilarious. Dean doubles over, winded and giddy, not noticing how Cas, Cas-of-the-mussed-trenchcoat, looks at him with a very human bemused and fond expression.

So. Cas is going to die tomorrow and he failed at getting some action. He failed HARD. Or rather, not hard. He failed Fully Fucking Flaccid. Which leaves Dean, his arm looped loosely around Cas’s padded shoulders, in a bit of a quandary. And as soon as the heaving unexpected and joltingly euphoric laughter dies from Dean’s aching throat, the quandary really Hits. 

Cas is the weirdest man (man? Unearthly being? ...Man?) alive. The kind of person (man?..... angel-creature? man?) who would talk about a woman’s absent father while trying to get in her pants. Who the fuck would do that? 

Maybe Bert and Ernie. No, even those two felt muppets probably have more satisfying felt muppet sex than Cas could have. Jesus, Cas’d better not be gay. Cuz that’s a possibility. Maybe it's not that Cas is weird - well, he is, but currently that's a separate issue. Cas might just... be into men.

Dean considers that.

And considers that.

And considers that.

 _Nah_ , he thinks.

Besides, Dean doesn't know how to be a gay wingman. Not a _gay wingman_ , a completely heterosexual wingman for gay men (unearthly beings? winged men?). Second problem: who's gonna want to fuck Cas by the end of the night? Because, come on - emphasis on the come. Dean made a _promise._

And Cas isn’t _unattractive_ , of course! His mouth isn’t un-kissable! It’s, well, it’s kissable. The whole lower part of his face, in fact, makes it look like he'd be really good at biting into your mouth as he's kissing you, in like a really sexy way. Not to mention the upper part of his face, which just kinda makes Dean altogether hot and bothered.

Fuck it, Dean thinks. If he has to plough that furrow himself, so be it. Not that he’d have actual sex with Cas. But like, blowjobs are called oral sex, and oral sex has ‘sex’ in the name, right? So it counts.

Oral sex it is. Dean hypes himself up as he lightly pushes Cas into the Impala. It’s just sucking a dick. Women suck dicks all the time. It isn’t _gay._

He made a promise to his friend, and, what, is he gonna chicken out now? He isn’t a pussy. It’s not like Dean is some self-hating bisexual trapped in a prison of forced masculinity. He’s man enough to suck a dick. 

Fifteen minutes later, Dean discovers he is not man enough to suck a dick.

Cas is staring at him with his pants half-unzipped (only HALF unzipped, christ’s sake) with a quizzical squinty look on his face. Dean’s picked a motel at random and hustled Cas into a room only to see a bed, like a real actual bed, and frozen completely with his hand on Cas’s fly. And Cas is just… standing there. He looks mildly interested in the proceedings. Jesus, Dean thinks, _mildly_ interested. 

Alright. Okay. Time to revisit the plan.

Dean might not be man enough to suck a dick, but he won’t back down from a fight _that_ easily. In his mind, he makes a quick list of all the Dick-Related Sexual Activities he’s been on the receiving end of, then tosses out the ones that Cas wouldn’t be into. This leaves precisely one (1) item. A handjob.

Fantastic.

I mean, it should do, right? It doesn’t have “sex” in the name, but it’s only one word away from “blowjob.” It’s like a sex cheatcode; it’ll get the job done. Of course, giving someone a handjob is contingent on two things: them wanting to receive a handjob, and them having a dick to give the handjob to. 

“You do have a dick, right?” Dean asks by way of a conversation opener. 

“No, Dean, I do not have a Richard.”

“A cock, Cas.”

“I am not in possession of any male poultry.”

“Dude.” Dean says. “Dude. A penis.”

Cas tilts his head further. “Sometimes. It is not currently operant.”

Dean blinks. “Ooookay. Can you… operate it?”

Cas nods.

“Great,” Dean breathes with a hint of hysteria, because yippee, Cas has a DICK aka COCK aka PENIS now. Nothing he has ever done in bars or alleyways with near-strangers could have prepared him for this, because it’s _Cas._ And Cas is an angel, sure, but he looks like he’s just some _guy_ , and he’s expecting Dean to, to--

“Dean,” Cas says with a gravelly rumble, his blue eyes piercing in the light, “Are you unwell?”

“Nah,” Dean says instantly. “Just… ya know.” Dimly he realises that Cas really can’t know. “Ya know,” he repeats. 

And then stops. “You _do_ want to do this, right?” he asks. And maybe he’s giving himself an easy out. But some part of him wants to do this for Cas, okay? Not in a gay way, but just… to prove he’s still got it. To prove to Cas he’s still got it. To keep his word, for one thing, but also? Sex and orgasms are really _legit_ , okay? Cas ought to experience that at least _once_ in his billion-year existence. 

Cas’s voice is gentle. “You are under no obligation to-”

“I know,” Dean says sharply. “That’s not--that’s not what this is. I’m just asking if you want it.”

There’s then a little pause as Cas seems to think it over. “Do I wish to experience carnal pleasure in the ways of earthly men?”

Dean smears a hand down his face. “Jeez, Cas.”

Cas’s razor-sharp eyes pin Dean’s. “Yes.”

Well. That’s settled. Dean steps back, shakes out his arms, rolls his shoulders. He’s ready. “Okay, Cas,” he says, “Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna take off your pants and I’m gonna, um,” he makes some gestures. “And then, if it feels good, great, we clean up, you go off to the races tomorrow,” he drops his voice another octave, “ _And we never speak of this again._ ” And Cas ain’t gonna die a virgin, he adds in his head, just half of one.

So then he says, “Come on, come on, get in here, that’s it,” and he positions Cas against him, and, well, he does the necessary.

And Cas does the whole moaning and shaking and grasping at Dean’s shoulder thing (yes, _that_ shoulder) and it’s almost sweet, really, how awed he is, and Dean can almost forget he’s touching the very real and existing fully-flesh penis of _someone he knows_.

And Cas is flipping his shit, his muscles are taut, but there’s a rhythm somewhere so Dean gets kinda _into it_ , because _damn_ , Cas is repeating Dean’s name like a mantra acting like he’s the holy ghost and Dean decides he must be goddamn _magnificent_ at friendly handjobs if he’s getting Cas to fall apart like this.

_Score._

And then Cas seizes up and croaks out, “Deancloseyoureyes,” and Dean closes his eyes and Cas jerks his body rather pathetically and every light in the entire goddamn building explodes.

“Jesus _Christ_ , Cas,” Dean mutters as Cas clutches him and goes ragdoll-limp against his chest.

“No,” Cas snaps, pulling back stare petulantly into Dean’s eyes. “It’s just _me_.”

And Dean can’t help but laugh, a small twinge of _something_ worming its way into his chest, something more than just impartial pride at a job well done. And while half of him wants to stare self-hatingly into the mirror for a solid forty minutes, the other half wants to laugh loudly again, punch Cas on the shoulder, and keep him around. 

Cas has cleaned himself up, cleaned Dean up, put himself back together with immaculate precision. Poor bastard still has a huge stick up his ass. But it’s oddly endearing, Dean thinks idly, a hint of mischief in his mind. He’s half-dehymenated a fully-powered, holy warrior, non-Fallen _angel_.

It kind of rules. 

**Author's Note:**

> [kora's tumblr](https://princesshamlet.tumblr.com)   
>  [sam's tumblr](https://hwl.tumblr.com)
> 
> this fic was brought to you by a gay man and a lesbian which is why it's Like That


End file.
